Customizers and Builders Guild
Welcome to the Customizers And Builders Guild Forums, remodeled from the Clone Army Builders Guild!
You are welcome to browse as a Guest, but we invite
you to take advantage of more abilities by registering
for our website, and applying to the Guild later on.

The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

View previous topic View next topic Go down

The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Bizzle on Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:33 am

This is the first of hopefully many comics about The 82nd Legion. This is just a comic to tell about the back round of the legion and who they are. In the future there will be more action and less story. Oh and if certain things are very blurry I did that on propose. Oh and any tips would be awesome.



















I hope the text isn't too hard to read I am still trying to figure Gimp out.


Last edited by Darth Bizzle on Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

Bizzle
Guild Member
Guild Member

Age : 23
Location : here..I think...


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by CloneCommandoXion on Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:40 am

It's a good thing the text wasn't any smaller or I couldn't read Razz . Anyways the story could use some more interesting parts explained with some more detail. Other that that it's great, oh and it would be awsome if you got gimp working Smile . By the way in my Poll which did you vote for?
avatar
CloneCommandoXion
Guild Member
Guild Member

Age : 22
Location : Vancouver


http://www.flickr.com/photos/54544991@N06/

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Bizzle on Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:42 am

CloneCommandoXion wrote:It's a good thing the text wasn't any smaller or I couldn't read Razz . Anyways the story could use some more interesting parts explained with some more detail. Other that that it's great, oh and it would be awsome if you got gimp working Smile . By the way in my Poll which did you vote for?


Sorry about the text I'll make it bigger next time around. I have the story line set up to give out more information through out the comic and give more back round and why sometimes they do what they do. You will get what I mean later on. I didn't vote.

Bizzle
Guild Member
Guild Member

Age : 23
Location : here..I think...


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Sialboats on Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:42 am

The text is far too small (and requires centering Wink ), the frames are a bit... uncreative, the sets are a tad bland, and your series name could use some inspiration.

What really got me, though, is that wall of text. There's a principle called "show, don't tell". A wall of text that's broken down into narration over a flashback isn't that bad, but finding someway to show it without so much as speaking a word (without a flashback) is best. Maybe use holographic communication records shown during a debriefing Wink ?

All in all, it's a start; it's a start Wink .
avatar
Sialboats
Non-Guild Member
Non-Guild Member

Location : Florida, United States


http://www.youtube.com/user/ChaationBergin

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by PhiMa on Wed Aug 19, 2009 1:50 pm

Ok, things that need improvement are:

1. You forgot several Comma's.
2. Also some spelling mistakes
3. I highly doubt they would actually say 'RAS'
4. Some of the bubbles were a bit odd, and the text too small.

It could still use some work.
avatar
PhiMa
VIP Former Staff
VIP Former Staff

Age : 23
Location : A little east of boring and north of lame.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/phima/

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Zepher on Wed Aug 19, 2009 1:54 pm

Again, flashbacks never hurt when giving a chuck of history. Other than that, it's a standerd beginning. Jedi meet clones, clones welcome them, hell, even Windu is there! We'll see where it takes us, but it's nothing special currently. Of course, that's true for most opening episodes. I'd advise putting in a few more frames each episode as well.
avatar
Zepher
VIP Former Staff
VIP Former Staff

Age : 24


http://mocpages.com/home.php/8408

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Jens on Wed Aug 19, 2009 2:04 pm

Bah!


More Chronicles?

Text too small, 3rd comic with Mace as a star and you focus on the wrong part in some frames.
avatar
Jens
Non-Guild Member
Non-Guild Member

Location : Denmark


http://www.flickr.com/photos/31580381@N05/

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Zepher on Wed Aug 19, 2009 2:09 pm

Jens wrote:Bah!


More Chronicles?

Text too small, 3rd comic with Mace as a star and you focus on the wrong part in some frames.

If you can't figure out how to speak to other's in a kinder way you'll be getting a week ban.

Don't be such a girl, Zeph. -TJN
avatar
Zepher
VIP Former Staff
VIP Former Staff

Age : 24


http://mocpages.com/home.php/8408

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Jens on Wed Aug 19, 2009 2:30 pm

Zepher wrote:
Jens wrote:Bah!


More Chronicles?

Text too small, 3rd comic with Mace as a star and you focus on the wrong part in some frames.

If you can't figure out how to speak to others in a kinder way you'll be getting a week ban.


Okay Zeph.


Chronicles has been used before.

Some people (not me0 have trouble with small letters...just a heads up.

Mace Windu has been used in 2 other comics...it would be better IMO if you made your own character to fill his spot.

And remember to focus on the right part...in the first frame you're focusing on the background and not the admiral and the officer.
avatar
Jens
Non-Guild Member
Non-Guild Member

Location : Denmark


http://www.flickr.com/photos/31580381@N05/

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Commander Cody15 on Wed Aug 19, 2009 3:41 pm

Well, I liked this comic. I can't wait for more, it sounds exciting and like everybody says, just make text a little bit bigger, but other than that everything is perfect.
avatar
Commander Cody15
Non-Guild Member
Non-Guild Member

Age : 23
Location : United States


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Jedi Joe on Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:27 pm

The text is too small, the plot is boring and generic, and the dialogue needs commas. I love how Mace is in it though... Razz
avatar
Jedi Joe
Guild Member
Guild Member

Location : Florida, the state of neverending heat and humidity...


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Bizzle on Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:56 pm

Sial,Zeph- I didn't think to do flash backs but as I told CCX I would through in flash backs through out the comic. Als I had planned to make it about 13 frames long but I got rid of some as I didn't like them at all. I know my text is too small I need to work on that. Oh and Windu is out after this comic. He was only bring the new Jedi General. And I'm going to use a thesaurus to get a better name.


Jens,Phi- Thanks for the input.

JJ- I know I will work to make it better as I make more.

Bizzle
Guild Member
Guild Member

Age : 23
Location : here..I think...


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Halen on Wed Aug 19, 2009 7:26 pm

Speech bubbles aren't necessary in the 3rd frame where I assume a PA system is speaking. I read quite a bit of comics and that would usually look more like below:

**Beep**
The Jedi shuttle has landed in Docking Bay 16.
Commander Bizzle please report to Dock 16.
**Beeeeep**

Good job on your first comic.
avatar
Halen
VIP Former Staff
VIP Former Staff

Age : 33
Location : Copley, Ohio


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Bizzle on Wed Aug 19, 2009 7:31 pm

Commander Halen wrote:Speech bubbles aren't necessary in the 3rd frame where I assume a PA system is speaking. I read quite a bit of comics and that would usually look more like below:

**Beep**
The Jedi shuttle has landed in Docking Bay 16.
Commander Bizzle please report to Dock 16.
**Beeeeep**

Good job on your first comic.

Thanks for that little tidbit too Halen. I hadn't thought of doing it that way. I'll do that next time.

Bizzle
Guild Member
Guild Member

Age : 23
Location : here..I think...


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by BigBite on Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:27 am

Because everyone has already commented on the speech bubbles and text size I won't bother with that.

Though I think the Admiral ought to work a bit on pronunciation (General Widu- panel 7). Wink
avatar
BigBite

Location : In a galaxy far, far, away...


Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Gerrard on Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:28 am

You spelled beginning wrong. Razz

But, otherwise, text is a bit small. Good comic overall and good to see you getting started!
avatar
Gerrard
Guild Member
Guild Member

Age : 23
Location : Somewhere to the left of the Death Star


http://www.youtube.com/ThirdAgeFilm

Back to top Go down

Re: The 82nd Holo Records: #1 The Begining

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum